Porters, Dave

I once tried to pitch a comedy show about being a waiter. The producer asked me if any of it came from personal experience. Had I ever been a waiter? I was forced to admit I hadn’t, but said I had been a hospital porter.

He told me to write about that instead. I did as I was told and resubmitted the script, only for him to read and reject it, then go on to enormous and sustained personal success.

Luckily for me, Laurence Bowen at Dancing Ledge loved both the script and the idea of a series set in the underbelly of a hospital. Thus began a quest of epic proportions to bring Porters – my first-ever foray into scripted comedy – to the screen.

Although the development was never hell exactly, it took stamina and commitment from us both, rewriting and reworking, pitching and casting in several different forms.

We managed to keep the faith that one day we would get it made. Our reason was perhaps the best there is: we thought it was funny. Especially me.

The third-act low point was a memorable one. For some reason, Laurence chose Shepherd’s Bush market as the place to break the news that the project had stalled yet again – perhaps he didn’t want me to smash up the offi ce like the previous time.

Coincidentally, that day I was being followed around by the smell of stale urine. Initially, I put it down to being in Shepherd’s Bush market, but on closer inspection, it seemed the source of the smell was my rucksack.

My dog had emptied his bladder onto it that morning. Laurence and I parted with heavy hearts at our shared bad news, but with only the writer stinking of piss. For once, this was not a metaphor.

However, all was not lost. The project found fresh momentum with UKTV and a three-episode pilot run was commissioned. Finding the perfect cast and crew was Laurence’s next challenge as I wrote the final episodes.

Gradually, missing pieces started to fall into place. Simon Lupton came on board as series producer and Vadim Jean agreed to direct.

Casting Susan Wokoma as female porter Frankie gave fresh life to a tricky character who had never gelled in previous incarnations of the project. Matching the talented Ed Easton to Simon felt natural as soon as he read for the part.

However, the character of Tillman, an eccentric, older German porter, was harder. UKTV wanted impact. Step forward Vadim and his voluminous address book.

Surreal experience

I was on a train when Laurence texted to say that Rutger Hauer was interested in the role. Assuming he was taking the piss, I told him to fuck off.

But it turned out Vadim had got the script to Rutger’s agent and the actor had read and liked it. Like us, he thought it was funny; so much so that he was pushing back another commitment and flying over to Ealing Hospital immediately. We had as much impact as we could handle.

Working with a bona fide movie star was a surreal experience. Having a meeting with him in Costa Coffee in Ealing Hospital, where I’d trained briefly in my medical career as a doctor, brought home to me why I’d got into TV, and made all the rejections and disappointments worthwhile.

It had been a long, strange trip, but ultimately fun, a direct connection back to the film-mad kid who watched Blade Runner and The Hitcher on fuzzy VHS tapes. Now I was working with the man who had improvised some of the greatest lines in movie history. We really were not worthy.

Rutger was inspirational: he clearly just did what he wanted, when he wanted. This time, that involved Porters; tomorrow, it could be something else.

It’s not a lifestyle we can all sustain 24/7, but in an industry that can get cynical now and again, it felt like a reminder to let a little anarchy back in.

He gave me gnomic notes that I barely understood. I rewrote the scripts after hearing him read the part, trying to add the sense of innocence that he instinctively brought to the character. It felt like the right way to make TV.

I’ve learned a few things in the process: persistence can pay off if you truly believe the project has potential; rejection isn’t the end of the story; and great actors will make themselves available for material they genuinely like.

Putting together the Rubik’s Cube of a great cast is a challenge, but momentum builds once a few key names are on board.

Finally, I think filming near London helped us to cast some fantastic actors in small but key supporting roles. Vadim simply asked people, and they came: Sanjeev Bhaskar, Jo Joyner, Neil Stuke and, incredibly, Kelsey Grammer.

They all made comic moments come to life with their talent.